Did anyone bother watchin' this the last time I posted it?
http://media.putfile.com/buttrocket
Ahhh, the things bored youngsters get up to these days!
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says.........
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says.........
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
re: Jokes
2006 Employee manual
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Happy New Year,
The Management
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Happy New Year,
The Management
-
ken_behrendt
- Addict
- Posts: 3487
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 7:45 am
- Location: new jersey, usa
- Contact:
re: Jokes
trevie...
Sadly, I've worked for companies that almost exactly fit your description! LOL!
ken
Sadly, I've worked for companies that almost exactly fit your description! LOL!
ken
On 7/6/06, I found, in any overbalanced gravity wheel with rotation rate, ω, axle to CG distance d, and CG dip angle φ, the average vertical velocity of its drive weights is downward and given by:
Vaver = -2(√2)πdωcosφ
Vaver = -2(√2)πdωcosφ
re: Jokes
Never mind Ken, This will cheer you up.
There were two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a simple gesture, brings them both to life.
The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.
After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'
The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'
'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'
There were two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a simple gesture, brings them both to life.
The angel tells them 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as giggling sounds come from the rustling bushes.
After fifteen minutes the two return out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them 'You still have fifteen minutes left.'
The male statue asks the woman statue, 'Would you like to do it again?'
'Oh yes. Let's,' she replies. 'But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poo on its head!!'
re: Jokes
If My Body Were A Car
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches
in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
re: Jokes
Father's Day at School
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in
a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they
put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is
helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up; fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in
a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they
put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is
helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
re: Jokes
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here! ?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here! ?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
the uneducated
if your gona be dumb you gota be tough
Who need drugs when you can have fatigue toxins and caffeine
if your gona be dumb you gota be tough
Who need drugs when you can have fatigue toxins and caffeine
re: Jokes
I walk into a brothel the other day and told the madam that I wanted a 25 year old energetic woman. She looked at me and asked, How old are you?
I told her and she replied, my God man don't you realize you have already had it! I said "oh! I am sorry, how much do I owe you?
Later I got to thinking about it, so I went to see my Doctor. I told him that I wanted my sex drive lowered. He said, that at my age and health condition it wa all in my head. I said, I know, "thats why I want you to lower it.
You know my wife is not getting any younger either. I still enjoy admiring her breasts, even though I have to get on my knees to do it.
She is not that old yet but I have discovered something else in life.
Did you know that an eighty year old woman has something between her breasts that younger woman lack. I believe it is called a belly button.
I told her and she replied, my God man don't you realize you have already had it! I said "oh! I am sorry, how much do I owe you?
Later I got to thinking about it, so I went to see my Doctor. I told him that I wanted my sex drive lowered. He said, that at my age and health condition it wa all in my head. I said, I know, "thats why I want you to lower it.
You know my wife is not getting any younger either. I still enjoy admiring her breasts, even though I have to get on my knees to do it.
She is not that old yet but I have discovered something else in life.
Did you know that an eighty year old woman has something between her breasts that younger woman lack. I believe it is called a belly button.
re: Jokes
----- : The origin of Bra sizes
What Religion is Your wife or girl freinds Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!
What Religion is Your wife or girl freinds Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!