Jokes

[murilo]

This is a case between two guys in jail.

'A', a nerd with 1,60m and 55kg and 'B', with 1,90m and 120kg of pure fibers. It's 11pm and temperature is around 35ºC.

'A' was arriving to prison just because a little mistake and he's sure that in the morning he'll let free again.

Entering the cell he thinks he's alone but he's not!

He scared hearing that strong 'B's voice coming from the dark:

-''Hi guy! Good evening! Wellcome to prison!'' ( he was happy!)

( 'A', almost completely mute just said ''hello...'' )

- ''Have you been in prison before, darling?''

- ''No... no... never... sir...''

- ''Don't call me sir... just cal me darling...''

- ''Yeeesssss....????''

- ''Do you herd about what happens in jail, where we have no women?''

- ''No... no... ''

- ''Is it fair to stay here without any sex, darling?

- ''I don't know... I mean.. No... no...'' ( tremblering)

- ''Well, darling, I'll be short and didactic, ok? Here in prison one must pretend that he is female, at alternated days... You see? In a day you pretend you are the woman and in the other you'll pretend to be a man... and so on...

- ''Gulp...''

- ''And here we are... and in order to avoid any complain of you, to prove that you got this night the best possible companion, today, our first day, I'll be your woman... darling... I'll be your poor and lonely little girl...''

- ''Yeeeesssss...??!!!... ( not so bad, could be worst, thinks 'A', that is sure to be free in the morning. )

- ''OK, darling... now, for our very first moment... come here, darling... come to such this poor little girl's vagina...''

[rlortie]

We Ain't This Old Yet!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really." "Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty." !!!!!!!!!!

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis" !

[rlortie]

"Top 10 Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen"

#10 They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is only about 45 mph.
#2 Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
#1 It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

[AgingYoung]

you know you're a redneck when you spend ½ a million dollars on a vehicle you drive once a year, yea, you know you're a red neck.

Gene

[rlortie]

Went to the Doctors office the other day for my three month check Up. I said to him:

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "

He said "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

[trevie]

Blonde Joke

[rlortie]

Gene,

Do you like "Redneck" jokes, if so I have a parcel of them. Here is one of my favorites.

. A Redneck takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" - - - - - "No, because he's really
heavy." (Took me a minute to figure this one out!)

[Joel Wright]

911:Whats your emergency? Old farmer: Hurry up and get on out here my barns on fire!!! 911: How do we get there sir? Old farmer:Don't youse have that big red truck no more ?????????

[AgingYoung]

Ralph,
Ethnic jokes basically have been recycled to redneck jokes for the sake of politically correctness. Some are good. My favorite type of humor is dead pan.

Rednecks are an easy group to pick on because they're not organized like maybe la raza or the naacp. Another thing that makes them an easy target that won't complain is because they're too busy working to notice but all that hard work is what I think earned them the moniker redneck. Usually when some sophisticated city dweller encounters a redneck and begins to say one thing and do another the poor stupid ignorant redneck's brain short circuits. At that point they lose all reasoning ability and verbal skills and commence to get physical shouting things like, 'the hell you say!' or 'what the hell did you say?'.

So when the sophisticated city dweller gets home they naturally begin to talk about rednecks and spread rumors. They say, 'if you're every around such and such a place you'd better be careful with those stupid ignorant rednecks. They'll knock knots on your head!' They always leave out the part where they tried to run a game on the rednecks and weren't too successful.

Gene

[AgingYoung]

You know you're a redneck if you've ever fed a traveling salesman to your livestock.

Gene

[fAtnhapy]

You do know what happens when you play country music backwards???
You get your dog back, your truck back, your wife back.....
fAt

[rlortie]

"City dwellers spreading rumors huh!

a few years ago I was vacationing down in Redneck country. I was strolling along the river bank and spotted a native sitten on the ground with his back up against a tree. Beside him was a fish pole stuck in the mud.

I asked him if he was catchin anything, he said "naw they aint biten today" About that time the pole started shaking, I said looky thar you got one on now! He replied "well seein as how your standing thar would yu mind reelin him in for me. I did as instructed and there was a nice size catfish. He said "well now that you got my hook in your had, would you mind re-baiting it and throw it back in the river. So once again I did as instructed.

By now I am begining to think about how lazy this guy is. So I asked him if he were married. He say's "no, never did seem to find the time". I said well you should get married and have some children to bait and throw out your hook! He looked at my and replied " you know that's a perty good idea, do you know where I could find a pregnet woman.

And with that I continued upon my stroll.

Ralph

[AgingYoung]

You know you're a redneck if you serve jack daniels before, during and after supper. You're either a redneck or a kennedy.

Gene

[AgingYoung]

A farmer (that had 1,459,622 grandchildren) was sitting on his porch and noticed a traveling saleman coming down the drive. He thought, 'oh no, not again.'

Gene

[rlortie]

So you like "dead Pan" huh?

Did you here about the two TV antennas that got married. The ceremony was not much but the reception was terrific!

Or the invisable man married the invisable woman, there kids weren't much to look at either.