Jokes

[agor95]

I went to a fortune teller once.

She found be a difficult read.

So she parmed me off on some one else.

[agor95]

Bessler Wheel - Water is a solution!

Turpentine, Methylated Spirits and Alcohol are solvents too.

[TGM]

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter returned to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon, and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[agor95]

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Hire waitresses

[WaltzCee]

. .. .. .
an oldie yet goodie



You should have paid better attention in class.

[TGM]

[daanopperman]

A guy came home drunk one night and confronted by his wife , he told her about the club he was at with golden doors , and golden walls and golden ceilings , and he said even the urinals was golden .
So the next day after he left for work the wife googled , and phoned the club .

Barman : How may I help you .
Wife : Do you have golden doors .

Barman : Certainly we have .
Wife: Do you have golden walls .

Barman :Certainly we have .
Wife : And do you realy have golden urinals

After a couple of seconds the wife heard the barman wisper to someone close , Hey Jo , I think I have found a link to the drunk that pissed in your saxaphone last night .

[justsomeone]

There is a grocery store here called Safe Way. My question to you is.... how do you get an elephant into a Safe Way bag?


Answer: Take the "S " out of safe and the " F " out of way.

[agor95]

There is a grocery store here called Safe Way. My question to you is.... how do you get an elephant into a Safe Way bag?


Answer: Take the "S " out of safe and the " F " out of way.

A person asked which bus queue was the one for their destination.

Answer: The employee told the person it was the far queue. They employee was sacked.

[justsomeone]

I see you got the joke Agor. Lol

[agor95]

The deaf painter was well known for his ability to copy paintings.
The blind piano tuner was well known at playing classical music; after tuning the piano of cause.

The wise man instructed them too 'Copy them then'.
So one painted the Mona Lisa and the other tuned the piano etc.

When the painting was finished and shown it was a mess and the paint was even over the frame.

A piece of Mozart was played and it was just noise no melody, no cords and just a load of banging random notes.

Is there a moral to this story??

'Build it then'

[TGM]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but no word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks repeatedly, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

[agor95]

A photo of snow falling on a roof in the UK.

[agor95]

I received training on using a band saw today.

Unfortunately I practised cutting on some old wood.

It was a wooden leg.

The owner is hopping for a solution.

We have that in common.

[JUBAT]

Here's a dad joke:

Why was the conductor so good at his job?

He had plenty of training.